True Confessions in Mid-Squiggle

I am told that there is value in documentation. While it’s a struggle for me to believe that, and I wrestle with myself every week as I’m putting together this post, today I am going to trust the process and just share some unvarnished truth.

Not unvarnished in a shabby-chic, farmhouse-décor way that is all the rage, but in a more messy-vulnerable-kinda-embarrassing-nowhere-to-hide kind of unvarnished.

So let’s start with — I have no idea which direction this whole thing is going. I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could say that I have set my sights on a goal and each step I take builds off of the previous one and results in an impressive upward trajectory.

The reality is more accurately captured by one of comedian Demetri Martin’s sketches.

I am currently somewhere within that hairball of squiggles. There are days when I am questioning if I am going at this “correctly.” Wondering if my lack of social media savvy is the Achilles Heel that will doom me from ever figuring out how to build this brand.

Random Data Point: One social media feature I’ve yet to try, but I’m seeing others make work is live-streaming on Instagram and Facebook. I’m not quite sure what my hook would be, but I’m wondering if putting myself out there in that way would be helpful.

I would also like to say that I’m sorta hating how there is always some new platform or app popping up that I need to learn. I saw an article listing “60+ social networking sites you need to know about in 2018.” [cue record scratch] Excuse me?!

I’m currently using Instagram and Facebook, with a little Pinterest mixed in. Now I find myself asking, should I start up on Vero? Is my lack of presence on Reddit a missed opportunity? Ugh! Why do we need so many different ways to communicate?!? I may be more of a curmudgeon than I realized.

But then I can have a day where I’m rocking a total Yoda-vibe.

“Patience, you must have. All things will come together when it is time.”

I absolutely believe there is no such thing as “overnight success” and I am committed to showing up every day and putting in the work because I love creating this artwork.

Which is sort of the craziest thing about all of this; my struggle is not with the artwork. If you’d asked me even 5 years ago about what my artistic struggle would look like, without a doubt I would have said that it’s not having a style or not liking anything that I make. BTW, that’s not hyperbole. For years I rarely made anything that, when I saw it later, I would still feel good about it. (bit of a different take on “tortured artist”)

I even went back to school to begin working on a Masters in Illustration because I knew I wanted to do more than I what I was currently doing, but couldn’t identify what it was or how to reach it.

It is important to acknowledge that while I currently find myself in the “middle of the squiggle” of this journey and I’m not quite sure what will happen next, having found clarity about my style is cause for celebration. To have resolved some of the unknown is wonderful. If I could go back and tell younger me that that it’s only a matter of time and you will figure out what you love to do, how much pain and frustration could I have saved myself? (I would have also told younger me that she will outgrow that ill-advised hair perm)

Of course, I think in typing this, I can’t escape the thought that future me will probably say the same thing;

“It’s only a matter of time, but you will figure this out. Just keep showing up.”

The truth is that this is hard. It is hard to put yourself out there. It is hard show up and sometimes feel like it is the equivalent of shouting ideas into a paper bag and tossing it off a bridge.

Plus, so much of what I am doing right now forces me to deal with things that I struggle with and there is NOTHING fun about that.

For example, I am trying to get more comfortable with the idea of “delivering something is better than making it perfect.” While I can appreciate that idea, as someone who can struggle with control, it is far different to actually walk through that.

The one thing that I keep coming back to is that I want to create honest things that I enjoy. I want to encourage that small part of me who believes — if I keep showing up and keep my focus on things that are true, I will ultimately find my audience (or they will find me).

That’s all I have for now. I’m not sure how much value this brings to anyone else, but I look forward to coming across this post years from now and knowing that it was all worth it.